Assertiveness is essential to success and wellness at work. Too often, being overly passive or aggressive is the key ingredient in failure. This failure can manifest itself in losing an important contract, an invaluable idea, a key player or even ending up at a hearing before a third party. Hence, the case for assertive behaviour at work is overwhelming. But what exactly is it?

What Is Assertive Behaviour? ⚓︎

Assertive behaviour entails: (i) being able to state your needs and feelings in an honest way; (ii) being clear and direct in what you are saying and (iii) standing up for your rights without violating the rights of others. And the good news is that we can all be assertive, as Eleanor Roosevelt put it: ‘Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent’.

Assertiveness contrasts with aggressive behaviour, which entails: (i) ignoring the needs and feelings of others; (ii) encouraging others to do as you want through flattery (i.e. manipulation) and (iii) taking rights for yourself that you do not give to others. It can manifest itself in ‘low level’ forms such as: making decisions for you (e.g. ‘If I were you’ …), nagging (e.g. ‘Have you finished that yet?’), putting you on the spot (e.g. ‘Are you busy this afternoon because I need …’), insinuating (e.g. ‘I’m sure you could find time to do this for me.’), stereotyping (e.g. ‘This is typical of I.T. nerds …’), lecturing (e.g. ‘We must co-operate – it would reduce tension.’), or describing your actions in emotive terms(e.g. ‘That was an idiotic thing to do.’)

Assertiveness is also different to passiveness. That is, passive, submissive or non-assertive behaviour entails: (i) stating your needs and feelings in an apologetic way; (ii) avoiding stating your needs and feelings and (iii) giving others rights that you do not take for yourself. Passive behaviour tends to aim to please and avoid conflict. However, it can also fuel harboured resentment, anger, frustration, grievances and staff turnover.

Hence, this ‘How To’ guide offers some ‘top tips’ to enable you to be assertive at work.

1. Dealing With Requests – ‘Yes’, ‘No’, ‘Unsure’ And The ‘Broken Record’ ⚓︎

The first thing to do when you are faced with a request is to listen to that ‘inner voice’ - your gut reaction. Often, even without thinking about it, we know inside what we want. Being assertive is about developing the habit of listening to your inner guide, as long as your gut reaction is not one that will put others down.

(a) Saying Yes: If it’s a YES, then say so! Of course, you may still want to suggest conditions about accepting the request, for example, about time, costs, arrangements and so on: ‘OK, I can do that if the other task can be deferred’.

(b) Saying No: If it’s a No, say it clearly and directly, without feeling that you have to make excuses or to apologise. Actually using the word ‘No’ is important, for a simple but effective refusal – ‘No, I don’t want to go for coffee’, rather than ‘Well em, I suppose it’s late and er I’ve got work to do and I’m behind schedule and er I’m terribly sorry but I don’t like coffee ….’. And instead of agonising over the refusal, remember financial guru Warren Buffet’s take on ‘NO’: ‘The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything!’

The aim here is to reject the request, not the person. This is crucial for dealing with requests in an assertive manner. You may give an explanation, that is, if you really want them to understand your reasons for turning down the request. There is a difference between an explanation where you truly want someone to understand, and an excuse where you just feel under pressure to say something.

You may also acknowledge their feelings, by giving them space to say how they feel about the refusal. This is another way of rejecting the request but not the person. Equally, if you are disappointed about having to say NO, then let them know. This can soften the impact of saying NO, without diluting your assertiveness. You should also watch out for your body language in these situations – the ‘non-verbal’ message is powerful. Gestures, facial expressions, body movements/posture, and intonation can all convey and emphasise a message, with some academic studies contending that they are more consequential than the spoken word.

(c) If You Are Not Sure: If the request is unexpected, simply ask for more information. People don’t always say clearly what they want. But you can encourage them by asking for more specific information – ‘When exactly do you want the job completed by and what is the specification for it?’ In such scenarios one may also ask for more time. Your feelings are important and you may need time to sort them out. Don’t feel at all embarrassed about asking for time to make a decision. It may initially appear and feel quite an unusual thing to do, but it means you can be sure if you have any doubts at first that you have come to a clear decision.

Another option is to compromise, if appropriate. Assertion is about saying what you want, but not always about getting what you want! It is important to balance our needs and rights with the needs and rights of others. Compromise can be an acceptable solution in many situations, you have to judge this, as every case will be different. The key issue is: have you maintained your self-respect? Alternatively, do you feel pressurised into a proposed compromise, still feeling uncomfortable about the so-called agreed solution? So, stay in tune with your inner guide and act appropriately.

(d) Play The ’Broken Record’: The goal of the ‘Broken Record’ technique is to be very clear about what you want to say and to make this known without getting angry, loud or exhausted! Hence, it is useful only when you are very clear in your own mind about what you want to say. If you are undecided or ambivalent, this technique isn’t recommended. It tends to be useful in conflict situations (e.g. refusing an unreasonable request; when asking questions for clarification; correcting an authority; when being taken advantage of; when expressing feelings or opinions). However, it is not appropriate for complex or sensitive personal situations.

The 5 key steps for playing the broken record are: ⚓︎

(i) Work Out What You Want: Increasingly recognising and expressing your own wants and feelings is what becoming assertive is all about.

(ii) Make Up A Short Sentence: Having identified your goal, you make a clear brief statement e.g. ‘No, I don’t want to do that’ without explanations, such as ‘.. because I’m short of time today’ or unnecessary padding such as ‘.. and it’s not urgent, and I’m sorry about that’.

(iii) Repeat Calmly And Be Persistent: because the ‘Broken Record’ is an effective technique, you shouldn’t need to get irritated or angry to get your point across. Repetition is crucial to how it works and it can simply be a numbers game – if you say your phrase a number of times, then the other party should simply run out of excuses or arguments and accept your position.

(iv) Deflect The Side Issues: The ‘Broken Record’ is an unusual way of talking and breaks with the convention of the accepted rules of conversation. This is because your response becomes automatic, simply repeating the chosen phrase and not getting involved in the points or arguments put to you. It feels uncomfortable at first, because the convention has been firmly set in our minds since we first learned to talk! In order to deal with points put to us, without getting drawn into the side issues, you can add to the main phrase – ‘I understand you have a problem, but I can’t work late tonight’.

(v) Be Prepared To Offer A Workable Compromise: If the other person won’t give in or is assertive in return, you could offer a compromise solution (e.g. ‘I can’t work late this evening, but as it is important, I am prepared to come in early tomorrow’). Remember that in being assertive you don’t necessarily always get your own way, but you do stick up for yourself. So, when your self-respect isn’t in question, you can offer a workable compromise that is agreeable to all parties.

2. Dealing With Criticism ⚓︎

One of the most common and sensitive scenarios at work warranting assertive behaviour is coping with criticism. However, in ‘assertion’, criticism tends to be looked at in a positive light and the prescription is as follows:

(a) Ask For More Information: Looking for more information could entail supplementary details and examples of what is provoking the criticism. Doing this gives you more time to take stock and means you are basing your eventual reaction on a full or more representative account of the ‘problem’. So, listen carefully to the feedback, rather than immediately rejecting or arguing with it. Whilst it may be uncomfortable to hear, you are better off knowing what the other person thinks. Of course, you are also entitled to your own opinion, and you can consequently choose to accept or reject their observation(s), and to address the relevant issues if you consider it/them appropriate.

(b) Take Time To Consider: This could even mean talking through with a friend what is being raised. Remember you have a right to ask for time and could arrange to progress the matter at a later date. But it helps to ask others. This may confirm what you have been told, or that others experience us differently. Ultimately, it will provide you with a more balanced view, and help to keep any criticism in perspective.

(c) Decide: Is the criticism valid or not? A valid criticism is one that is both true and fair. Hence, you will have to judge each case on its own merits and decide upon the most appropriate response.

(d) Accept What’s Valid, With Firmness And Confidence: Remember we all have the right to make mistakes – at least once!

(e) Negotiate Possible Changes: Just because their criticism is valid, it doesn’t mean you have to go along with their proposal of how you should change. This can still be negotiated between you both, hopefully to your mutual satisfaction.

(f) If The Criticism Is Invalid, Be Firm And Confident In Rejecting It: Find out more about what is behind the problem and whether it is really to do with you. It may be when you talk it through, the person will accept that something or someone else is bothering them.

Whether the content is valid or not, the way in which a criticism is made can still be a ‘Put Down’. That is, someone may have a good point, but express it in a patronising manner. You may accept the point, but still challenge them on the manner of the ‘Put Down’. By practising handling criticism and feedback assertively, we can then begin to see it constructively – and ideally as a useful GIFT that we can benefit from.

3. Dealing With ‘Put Downs’\Aggressive Behaviour ⚓︎

’Put Downs’ and associated aggressive behaviour manifests itself in a myriad of forms. ‘Put Downs’ may entail:

• Making Generalised Remarks About Groups Of People: – ‘I could tell it was a women’s meeting by the amount of chatter.’ ‘Of course, I’m sure all you black people will especially enjoy the drumming performance’.
• Being Patronising – ‘Since you ruined the arrangements last time, I’ve gone ahead and done it all without your help this time.’ ‘Here she goes again’.
• Ignoring You – never letting you into the conversation or changing topics before you have finished your sentence.
• Using Emotive Words – ‘There’s no need to get hysterical.’ ‘Stop panicking, it will be alright’.
• Using Labels on Individuals – ‘You’re so hopeless with money.’ ‘You’re so clumsy in the kitchen’.
• Making Assumptions – ‘But you always cook the dinner’.
• Making Sexual Comments and Innuendos – ‘I always appreciate the special contribution you make at our meetings’ said by a man staring at a woman’s legs.

When you receive a ‘Put Down’, you could respond by using one or more of these responses:

• State It Is A Put Down – Simply say in a firm clear manner that their comment or behaviour is a ‘Put Down’ and is unacceptable to you.
• Ask For More Information – Hidden in their remark may be assumptions which you can put the spotlight on, by asking for more information. This can put them on the spot and maybe even embarrass them. ‘Put Down’ remark example: ‘‘I always appreciate the special contribution you make at our meetings’ said by a man staring at a woman’s legs – Assertive Response: ‘By special contribution do you mean you like staring at my legs?’
• Find Out What Is Behind It – As considered above, is the person angry with you but not expressing it clearly? Are they bottling up resentment about someone or something else? By exploring the matter, you may be able to change the ‘Put Down’ into a more constructive form of criticism and deal with it accordingly.
• Tell Them What You Want - This can be just a clear simple statement: ‘I don’t want to be referred to as ‘she’ or ‘the wife’ from now on’.
• Use The ‘Broken Record’ – As noted above, this can be useful for focusing on the key issue and avoiding getting caught up in diversions, as well as forcefully and repeatedly putting your point across, if it has been ignored the first-time round.
• Say How You Feel – For example, ‘When you say I’m hopeless with money it makes me even more nervous about it’. This is only worth risking if you think the person won’t exploit the situation further and put down your expression of feeling. However, in some instances the offender simply doesn’t realise that they are putting others down and once they understand the effects of it, they stop.

All workplaces have their fair share of awkward employees, tricky team members and insensitive superiors. Being assertive in such interactions is crucial for you, them and the organisation. That is, it can boost self-esteem and one’s sense of achievement and satisfaction, ultimately to the benefit of all associated with assertiveness at work.