Introduction ⚓︎

It’s now well established that as a component of emotional intelligence, empathy can play a crucial role at work. Empathy, which is the capacity to really ‘connect’ with others, is critical to our working lives. It enables more effective communication and is positively related to job performance, whilst managers who practice empathetic leadership with their employees are not only more appreciated by them but are also considered better performers by their own managers.

To be empathetic requires the individual to take time to step back from their own agenda and pressures to explore and acknowledge the emotions that another person is feeling. It’s at the heart of relationship building. Some managers are naturally more empathetic than others, while most managers tend to be occasionally empathetic. Fortunately, it’s not something you either have or don’t have (i.e. a fixed trait), as empathetic leadership can be learned. With the right disposition, time and support, managers can develop and enhance the requisite skill set via a range of developmental options. This is good news, as empathy really is the key to successfully navigating almost all kinds of sensitive situations involving people at work and beyond.

This ‘How To’ series has already addressed the all-important issues of dealing with difficult people (see ‘How-To-Deal-With-Difficult-People-At-Work’/)), having difficult conversations (see  ‘How to Have a Difficult Conversation at Work’) and how to be assertive (see ‘How To: Be Assertive At Work’). Given the tricky times that we are in  – between the pandemic, staff shortages, the cost and consequences of the climate change or green agenda and economic and political uncertainty – it is an appropriate time to take these topics a step further, by exploring what ‘empathy’ has to offer when faced with the prospect of a super-sensitive conversation.

‘Super-sensitive’ conversations can surface across a wide range of scenarios, from upset to grieving colleagues, staff stress and burnout to the myriad of personal problems that afflict us and our colleagues (e.g. work relationships, love, kids, finance, illness). The challenges posed by these common scenario-types dovetails with research telling us that today’s successful leaders need to be more ‘people-focused’. That is, they must be able to work well with and adapt to the needs of colleagues with different dispositions and from different departments, teams, countries, cultures and backgrounds.

Benefits of Empathy ⚓︎

In addition to better performance and being more highly valued by one’s managers, co-workers and staff, a key benefit of being an empathetic manager is that one can convert normal human anxieties about being rejected into being accepted. Ideally, empathy enables one to avoid being tongue-tied, in favour of speaking more assuredly and appropriately, addressing an uncomfortable situation with calming and supportive inputs, characterised by self-control and confidence. When it comes to empathy, the research tells us that when it’s used, people are:

• More willing to openly communicate about workplace problems.

• Less interested in conflict, judgment and criticism or in negative ‘takes’ on others, in preference to harmonious connections and respect for the views of others.

• More inclined to show appreciation and being open to receiving compassion and to extending it and to deploying a ‘win-win’ as opposed to ‘win-lose’ approach in their interactions with others.

In addition to these potential benefits, Catalyst Consultants recent rigorous and comprehensive study found that empathetic leadership or management enhances staff productivity, innovation, engagement, retention, inclusivity, working life and one’s work-life balance.  So, it’s clear that ‘real’ connections and friendships at work matter and empathetic leadership is a tool that managers can use to establish bonds with those they’re privileged to lead. The development and deployment of effective empathy is enabled by a range of ‘best practices’:

Empathy in Practice ⚓︎

1. Give Empathy Status: For many managers – especially those from the ‘old school’ and the predominantly task-oriented types – empathy is for wimps! Therefore, to ensure the status of empathy as a core organisational practice, it should be discussed in the workplace, for the purpose of confirming its value. That is, people should know what empathy is and that it matters. Many managers consider task-oriented skills such as planning, supervision and assessment to be the key to controlling the performance of their team members. But research shows that understanding, caring, empowering and developing others is just as important, if not more important.

This is particularly pertinent with the workforce of today, many of whom are working remotely and - given the state of the jobs market - have real choices about with whom and where they work. So, the starting point is to ensure that people know that empathy is appropriate and important – and that it can enhance effectiveness.

2.  Show Interest: Showing sincere or genuine interest in the needs and aspirations of others doesn’t come easily to some managers. However, making time to check in with team members is at the heart of empathetic leadership. Empathetic leaders understand that they and their team members are human - with the normal quota of personal problems - and that it’s part of their role to support those team members when they need it most.

An empathetic approach entails working to understand the unique needs and goals of each team member and how to best match assignments to people’s strengths and development needs, thus contributing to greater levels of employee satisfaction and productivity. The reality is that team members who see that their manager recognises them in this way are more engaged, productive and much more likely to reciprocate the generousity when required.

Of course, if an issue is none of your business, then it’s none of your business! That is, people have a right to a personal life and can choose not to invite others in (e.g. their manager). But one can always show care, consideration, and compassion, without knowing all the facts or inappropriately posing as a professional counsellor. The 2 key questions enabling such support are: (i) ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ and (ii) ‘Is there anything that I or the organisation can do to help?’.

3.  Listen Actively: When it comes to ‘super-sensitive’ discussions, the old maxim applies: ‘Be quick to listen, but slow to speak’. And when listening, do so ‘actively’.Active listening is when you really try to hear and understand what the other person is saying or trying to say. It’s about creating an atmosphere of real dialogue and rapport. By giving the employee the required time and space to speak, misunderstandings and presumptions can be more easily avoided, allowing access to the root of the issue(s).

Of course, it’s not unusual to automatically or unconsciously reject those who don’t think like we do or with whom we have little in common. But to gain a genuine appreciation of where people are coming from requires questions that serve to really explore their perspectives. This won’t happen unless careful thought is given to framing appropriate questions that encourage the employee to open up. And it’s hard to do this if you’re consumed by your own agenda, passing judgement before fully understanding the situation, focused on what to say next or conjuring arguments to counter their view(s). So, it's best to suspend judgement in favour of really hearing how the other person is responding to your questions, thus enabling your question(s) to facilitate an understanding of where they’re really at.

Simple techniques like ‘reflecting’ – where you repeat back what the person has said – together with a keen eye for the body language’s visual cues, are valuable tools in such situations. By tuning into the pace and tone of what’s being said, including the associated facial expressions and gestures, it conveys to the other person that they’re actually being listened to and understood. It can also help to ‘use silence’, because ‘silence’ is when the thinking happens, and it can convey that there’s no rush. Best then to allow silent supportive spaces for thought, whilst still maintaining eye contact to assure them that you’re still paying attention (e.g. ‘Take your time’, ‘We’re not in a hurry’). By tuning into their concerns and problems, people feel respected and trust levels can soar, ultimately to the benefit of both parties.

4. Find The Right Time: People need time to process what they’re feeling. So, whatever about engaging in conversation ‘there and then’, it’s best to allow others to reflect and connect with their own emotions first. This can be done via assurances like: ‘Please let me know when you’ve had a chance to think about it’; ‘I’m here for you whenever you want to talk’ or ‘If you’d like a sounding board, let me know’.  By forcing your way into another’s world at the wrong time, there’s a real risk of being rejected or viewed as selfish, insincere, and pushy. So, be patient, only moving at the pace others are comfortable with. It’s also likely that strong emotions will surface during a ‘super-sensitive’ discussion. Your aim should not be to immediately supress or calm the other person’s upset or anger with via advice or reassurances. Hard and all as it may be, it’s best to stay present and to validate the feelings (e.g. ‘It’s OK to feel like this’; ‘I’m sorry this is so upsetting for you’).

Should you observe a sensitive scenario, it’s advisable not to jump to conclusions or to take a defensive stance. Simply take a couple of ‘deep healing breaths’ whilst mulling over matters, before doing or saying (what should prove to be) the right thing. But don’t delay unduly, as the anticipation of a conversation like this is often much worse than the conversation itself. In this vein it can help to start with an invitation or introduction, rather than launching straight in (e.g. ‘I’ve got something on my mind I’d like to talk with you about. When would be a good time?’ or ‘You seem anxious about something. Would you like to talk about it some time?’). They may agree to talk there and then, but by extending an ‘invite’ they can consider the option and be ready to engage at a more appropriate time.

5. Supporting Is Not Fixing: In some situations, you may have to ‘sit with the distress’, as there’s really no way of making things better (e.g. personal loss). That is, one has to respect the fact that some things just can’t be ‘fixed’. So, hard though it may be, it’s best to suppress that natural urge to suggest ways of instantaneously fixing the person’s problem. Avoid the unsolicited advice! Better to ask them what solutions they’ve considered. That is, don’t disempower people by taking over. If there was a simple and straightforward solution, the problem would already have been solved. Opt instead to inquire: ‘What can I – or this workplace - do to help you through this tough time?’.

6. Be Patient: Whilst we’ve all been told that ‘patience is a virtue’, this doesn’t always accord with a results-oriented work culture or some people’s personalities. However, it is an essential component of empathy. Empathyis about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings and why they said what they said. So, instead of giving vent to a knee-jerk reaction or a simple solution, patience and resilience are required. In this way the opinions and perspectives of others are absorbed prior to reacting and in the follow-on empathetic engagement. This process can entail questions to confirm or acknowledge the apparent emotion. Instead of agreeing with or passing judgement on the issue, it helps to try to confirm the information (e.g. ‘my sense is that you may be feeling uncomfortable, am I right?’ or ‘I suspect that you’re feeling low – how are you really feeling?’ or ‘I heard you say that you are angry, would you like to talk about it now?’).

And finally, don’t forget to look after yourself. If you’re unsettled by the actual conversation, be good to yourself (e.g. go for a cuppa, take a walk outdoors, control your breathing, speak to a trusted friend outside the organisation without breaking confidence), allowing such ‘mindful moments’ to recharge the battery.