Difficult conversations are those exchanges that you don’t want to have. They normally entail the potential for conflicting views, damaged relationships and uncertain outcomes. And all this is alongside a corrosive anxiety over what and how to make your points.

Like people, these conversations come in all shapes and sizes. Unless considered and conducted carefully, the outcome can take a variety of unexpected and unwelcome forms. But as the actress Gwyneth Paltrow correctly points out: ‘you’re not learning anything unless you’re having difficult conversations’!

To get the best outcome from these tricky exchanges, you need to manage your emotions and information in a sensitive and progressive way, as these conversations are about:

• things you really don’t want to talk about
  
  
• situations where you’re not sure what to say and how to say it
  
  
• contrasting views
  
  
• scenarios where the outcome is uncertain and may be contested
  
  
• issues that make you feel downright anxious.

Whether it be tackling employee performance or behavioural issues, workplace complaints/grievances and/or delivering bad news, the consensus is that the best way to deal with difficult issues is to ‘bite the bullet’ and to address them in a careful and considered way. Otherwise, they may persist, fester and do untold damage, ultimately reflecting badly on the perpetrator and the party who should have addressed them. That is, they tend not to disappear of their own accord. So, the best advice is to park the excuses and the discomfort and do it!

When successful, these exchanges enable the speedy resolution of workplace conflicts, raising employee performance and engagement levels and ultimately improving workplace relationships to the benefit of all.  Hence, with ‘the pain worth the gain’, the following ‘top tips’ are designed to ensure that you deal effectively with such issues:

Top Tip 1: Ongoing Communication ⚓︎

It is widely acknowledged that the best communication strategy at work is to have regular informal one-to-one conversations, so that issues can be dealt with as naturally as possible, as part of the normal ongoing relationship. By being available and approachable and keeping in touch with your team, managers are viewed as ready to listen and staff are more likely to come with problems before they escalate out of control and (perhaps even) end up before a third party.

Top Tip 2: Prepare, Prepare, Prepare ⚓︎

As the philosopher rightly said: ‘Speak when you’re angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret’! So, the more you prepare, the better the meeting should go. Decide what you want to achieve from the exchange and ensure that you have a clear understanding of the problem that you want to resolve.

The key questions here include:

• Why do you want to have the conversation?
• What’s important to you?
• What do you want to achieve?
• Is the outcome you’re looking for realistic?
• Is it better to simply broach the matter, proceed with caution and keep the communication channels open or do you need to unload the full ‘double-barrelled shotgun’ with all associated risks and negative fall-outs?

Where the stakes (and anxiety levels) are high, this is not a conversation to be held on the spur of the moment. Carefully consider what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  It will also help to anticipate how the other person might react and your menu or variety of appropriate responses thereto.

The preparatory work should also entail writing down the key points that you need to cover – and the ‘how’ and the ‘when’ of what’s to be covered (i.e. have a prepared strategy and structure). This will help you to keep your conversation on track, stay in control and ensure that the message is successfully conveyed.

Proper preparation should also ensure that you have the hard facts to support your view. This will enable you to state the problem and – if necessary - have supporting examples in reserve. Such examples should serve to emphasise the case for the impact that the problem is having on the interviewee, you, others, the organisation and the need for change. The focus should on the problem, not the person!

Effective preparation also includes deciding upon a safe and comfortable setting and an appropriate time for the exchange.

Top Tip 3: Say It ⚓︎

Make an appointment with the employee. It may even be appropriate to provide some context to give them time to prepare for the meeting.

Having established rapport via the ice-breakers normally used in the working relationship, it is appropriate to be direct and get to the point quickly. The best feedback tends to be straightforward and simple.

Use some examples from your preparatory work to prompt discussion on the impact of the issue(s) causing concern. Hopefully the interviewee will now take the initiative, via appropriate self-diagnosis and self-prescription. If not, you will need to focus on their behaviour and its impact, deploying diplomacy to demonstrate your reasons for concern. 

Top Tip 4: Be Positive, Listen and Question ⚓︎

It’s important to be in a positive frame of mind going into the meeting. This will require you to address anxieties and to leave emotions at the door. If you have a negative approach, your employees are more likely to respond by being defensive and argumentative.

Be prepared to park your perspectives and to tune in. Like the good counsellor, there is much merit to active listening, allowing the employee to explain their side of the story and to ‘get it off their chest’. So, put simply, at a minimum, try to use your ears and mouth in the proportion that you were given them (i.e. 2: 1)!

Top Tip 5: Acknowledge ⚓︎

Acknowledge the employee’s feelings and their view of the situation. Empathy is appropriate here (i.e. putting yourself in their shoes), Think about how they are feeling during the conversation, and allow them to process their emotions. Combined with effective questioning (i.e. the 5 ‘W’s and the ‘H’ - who? what? when? why? where? and how?), empathy is an effective means of showing your understanding and concern and (if appropriate) to validate their position.

Top Tip 6: Reassess Your Position ⚓︎

 After the employee has explained their position, it is your turn to clarify yours, albeit without minimising theirs.

The key question here is: based on the information they provided, has your position changed? Having reflected thereon, careful consideration of what they have missed is key. And an effective means of alerting them to what they have missed, or the limitations of their perspective, is by appropriate questioning, rather than dogmatic diktat!

Top Tip 7 – Let Them Volunteer Solutions ⚓︎

The ultimate aim of the difficult conversation is to find an amicable and workable solution. The best source for this solution is normally the employee causing the problem. Help them to work it out. That is, work with the employee to develop solutions, via careful listening and questioning, so that the exchange closes with agreement on the way forward.

The best resolution normally involves an outcome that satisfies both parties and in arriving at such a mutually agreed outcome you may need to negotiate some compromises.

Top Tip 8: Leave Them The Bus Fare Home ⚓︎

Leave the employee with their dignity and self-respect intact. It’s to nobody’s benefit to crush their self-esteem, show them up in front of others or expose them to ridicule.

The long-term impact of such an approach may not be redeemable! So, proceed on an adult-to-adult basis, with scope for the employee to address their performance and/or behavioural issues, withdraw comments, apologise and/or change their minds on the matter, albeit with dignity intact.

Top Tip 9: Confirm the Solution ⚓︎

Thank the employee for their engagement and confirm the positive impact that the agreed solution or change will bring. Whilst it is always appropriate to confirm the agreed solution, where the stakes are high it may also need to be documented. Related thereto, it would also be wise to agree a review process and the next step to bring the solution to life. Some consideration of the consequences of failing to deliver may also enhance the prospect of the agreed change materialising.

Top Tip 10: Reflect ⚓︎

After the difficult conversation, take time to reflect on the matter and to learn from the experience. For example, consider: What was unexpected? Went well? Went badly? What would you do differently next time? Given the nature of many of these awkward exchanges, it may also be appropriate to keep the conversation confidential.

As with many things in life, you can become more effective at holding difficult conversations. And it is worth noting that a difficult conversation can make the difference between success and failure, for you, the valued employee and the wider organisational effectiveness and morale.

So, the best advice is -  care enough to hold that difficult conversation, albeit with care!